When friends and family members are going through a rough time, often our immediate reaction is to try to resolve the situation for them – to ease their pain, make life better. If a romantic relationship isn’t going the way we want, a common reaction is to cling harder and convince the other person to stay.
However, by easing our grip on relationships and circumstances that feel out of control, we paradoxically gain the control we were missing. We renew the power to be in charge of our own lives in a beneficial way that produces joy, and inspires others to live their own greatness.
Drawbacks of being everyone’s traffic cop
When the traffic signals at an intersection go on the fritz, and a white-gloved policeman shows up to direct traffic, we’re relieved someone took charge of the chaos.
When we see where people are making mistakes, we may helpfully take the reins in someone else’s life. Because their initial gratitude reinforces our caretaking behavior, rewarding it and inspiring us to keep going on that path, we end up doing more and more for others, and less and less for our own dreams.
A rookie cop might get so wrapped up in stopping a lane of traffic, waving on others, blowing the whistle, watching all four corners of the intersection, that he might not notice immediately when the signals are working again. Imagine the drivers are eager to go when the light turns green, but the traffic cop is oblivious. What if he keeps blowing that whistle, waving his arms, insisting everyone obey his will?
People with a caretaking tendency can easily fall into that trap. When we try to manage the lives of others, we do both them and ourselves a disservice. In essence, we disempower them and interfere with their own opportunity to grow.
Instead of being hyper-vigilant about what others are doing or might do, relinquish the job of being the unofficial traffic cop of your family, and at the same time let go of the unwelcome offshoots of your good intentions.
When you’ve enlisted to be that helpful traffic controller, you get paid a salary too, but in a different currency:
- Resentment on the part of others
- Feeling unappreciated and disrespected
- Exhaustion
- Stress
- Rapid aging
- Chronic worry about when the other shoe will drop
- A frantic sense of running as fast as you can, and never being able to do enough to solve all the problems you feel responsible for
If you don’t do anything to stop the belief that it is your job to coordinate everyone else’s happiness and wellbeing, that belief grows stronger by default.
The behavioral roots grow deeper and wider, and every aspect of your life is affected. You feel the burden to make sure that everything goes smoothly. Your sense of responsibility and concern about the outcome can become so strong that other parts of your life – those soul-wishes for happiness and fulfillment – begin to wither from lack of attention.
Balance love of others with love of self
The key to finding that essential calmness everyone craves is to balance your love for others with love for yourself. When you are steadily on course with your own dreams, and purposefully live to create a life that is joyful and expansive, it becomes much simpler to allow others to live their own lives – even if they do it in ways you would never choose.
Enjoy spending time with your loved one, and when he has a problem, step back from it – don’t take on the yoke. Avoid commiserating with him about all that is wrong.
Encourage him to look at possible solutions. Reassure him that you have every faith in his innate ability to make the right decisions for himself and enjoy positive outcomes. Declare your love and affection for him.
Without firm control on our own minds, we fall easily into the trap of default living, which the majority of people experience. Default living means you live in a reactive way, bouncing from one crisis to the next, feeling controlled by what you see or hear around you.
Reap your rewards
The secret power of letting go is like the Matryoshka doll – Russian nesting dolls that fit one inside the other. You’ll discover:
- Serenity
- Calmness
- Peace of mind
- Ability to intuitively support others in their own growth while ceasing to micromanage their every move
- Energy to pursue your own vision
As you practice letting go, instead of fearing the situation will get worse, you’ll discover that events and relationships actually become smoother, more easy-going, and more harmonious.
Try it. I believe you’ll enjoy your new sense of freedom to love your own life on your terms.
The power of letting go is a secret because so few people are using it. People do not understand they are looking for it somewhere out there, when it resides inside one’s self, ready to access at will.
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Loved this article; really perfect timing in my life! 🙂
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