Today, parents are hindering the successful development of their children. Too many kids today don’t have street smarts and have not learned to be self-reliant. They aren’t prepared to go out into the real world and be successful.
Here are five ways to mess up your kids:
1. Set your kids up for failure.
The best predictors for success in college are having high levels of grit, hope, optimism, and self-efficacy. Too many parents rescue their kids by solving their problems and take responsibility for their boredom, happiness, and motivation, leaving them weak and unable to handle the normal ups and downs of life.
Qualities like grit, optimism, and self-efficacy are earned, not given as gifts. Kids must be able to overcome obstacles and challenges, take risks, make mistakes, and push through tough times to become resilient and confident.
2. Teach your kids to be miserable adults.
The mantra kids are absorbing from parents and teachers today is this:
Get good grades in grade school so you can get into a good high school; Get top grades in high school so you can go to a top-tier college; Go to an Ivy League college so you can get a good job; Get a good job so you can make a lot of money.
UGHH!
Research across many different cultures has shown again and again that people who are driven by externals, i.e. making money or gaining fame or status, end up with higher levels of mental health problems like depression, anxiety, poorer quality relationships, and find themselves unhappy and unfulfilled.
People focused on intrinsic values like being of service, personal growth, and having strong relationships score higher on all the important markers of happiness, health, and fulfillment. We need to shift our focus so our kids shift theirs.
3. Pressure your kids to be perfect, especially academically.
An all too familiar refrain heard by kids every day is:
We don’t care if you get all A grades, as long as you are trying your best, 24/7.
Is that really reasonable? I have asked countless audiences of parents at my presentations if they were working to their potential in grade school, middle school, and high school.
I typically see about 10-20% of them respond in the affirmative at each level, with the vast majority saying that they didn’t really get invested in their education until after high school. And they came out just fine.
The point I make to parents isn’t to tell their kids to slough off for the first 12 years of schooling. I want parents to remember and watch the pressure they place on kids to be perfect in everything they do, especially with schoolwork. There are lots of ways to become a successful adult and many kids aren’t wired to take the conventional path.
4. Send daughters mixed messages about who they should be.
On one hand, we’re conditioning girls to focus on being competitive, driven, and ambitious. On the other hand, we’re still holding girls to the standard of being good girls – asking them to be nice to everyone, put other people’s needs before their own, be obedient, follow the rules, wait your turn, etc.
These mixed messages put stress on girls, causing a constant internal tension. Our daughters may think they need to be at the top of their class and on the best sports teams winning national championships, but there is also a set of rules telling them they shouldn’t do this or that.
You can be whatever you want to be, but you can’t be yourself!
It’s no wonder girls frequently feel depressed, anxious, and overwhelmed.
5. Force teens to be reachable at every moment.
When kids get their first cell phone, there’s an unspoken agreement that from that moment on they will be reachable 24/7. If a parent calls or texts their child and does not receive an immediate response, the parent freaks out and threatens to call the police to report a missing person. Unfortunately, this is often not an exaggeration.
I like to remind parents when we were out and about in our teen years there were no cell phones, and so our parents didn’t know our constant whereabouts. They trusted us enough to figure things out, make good choices, take care of ourselves, and make it home safely. And for the most part, we did.
Letting go is a process, and we need to include technology in this endeavor.
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Hi Dr. Tim,
I have to admit #5 is the one I have to work on. It’s not that I don’t trust my kids but as soon as they don’t answer their phone I start to panic and all kinds of crazy thoughts run through my mind.
Definitely passing this along. Hope you’re having a great weekend.
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